Opening the heart

Wow, I haven't updated in a while! I will start by saying it is 12:55, I got to work at 9am but I haven't done any work yet. Oops!

Anyway, ok, what have up been up to this month? LOTS! So on my last post I talked about the tarot deck and how I was about to go on that retreat. I will start by saying that that reading was right on! Like scary on! I've done other reading on myself since then but none of them made as much sense as that one did. I think it is prob because most of the questions I have been asking have been pretty mundane and/or future based. The 1st one was def one I “needed to hear"... I also think I asked the right question!

As for the retreat itself, it was amazing and eye opening. I really think I get "why I am here", "who I am", and "what is the meaning of life". The problem is that the answer is so strange and esoteric that I can't really talk about it with many people because they will most certainly think I'm a little nuts... I guess that's ok tho. The important think is that I take what I think I know, but know I can never comprehend, and integrate it into my everyday life.

So how am I doing this you ask? Most importantly, I am trying to meditate everyday. I'm not necessarily in the groove yet but I notice that I def feel really great on days that I do so it's only a matter of time until I make it a daily priority. I am also trying really hard to open parts of myself up that seemed blocked. This month my focus is my heart chakra... While on this retreat I became very aware of the fact that I am not letting myself give and receive love all the time. This isn’t anything new, it has been a part of me all my life but I just didn't know it. I went through a brief time the beginning of this year where my heart opened a lot and I was def experiencing a whole new level of "love"... I think now that level has become normal though and upon seeing what is truly available in me, I know I still have more work to do. In fact, many signs have pointed to this fact! A few months a go a took a personality test (enneagram). http://www.eclecticenergies.com/ I'm a type 3 (even though at 1st I wouldn't accept it as mine, I thought I was a 7) and it turns out that people of this personality type often need to work on their heart on sacral chakra (turns out the heart chakra is also one that needs to be worked on by 7's). It says:

As Threes get absorbed in the pursuit of validation and success, they tend to cut themselves off from the true desires of the heart. They may even deceive themselves about how they really feel. Working with the Heart chakra helps Threes become more compassionate and sensitive to both themselves and others.

and

In addition to repressing emotions, Threes sometimes develop a fear of true intimacy. They fear intimacy because they worry that others are attracted to them for the images they project, not for themselves. Or, sometimes, they so identify with their images that they even become afraid of their true feelings and begin to ignore them. As they ignore their feelings, they become increasingly alienated from themselves. Strengthening the Sacral chakra can help Threes feel more capable of dealing with intimacy and the feelings that it arouses.

ummm, yeah, these are both true for me... So after I read these I started working on my chakras but didn't do a lot with my heart because around this time was when I was just experiencing the new level of love I talked about earlier so I kind of ignored it. It was only at the retreat that I realized how closed my heart still is. Then last week on Thursday I went to this Rieki Level 1 attunement. Before the attunement she gave each of a quick little session. When she approached me and did her thing and the 1st thing she said is "Wow, you don't have any shields, you are fully open to experiencing you're true self" (that isn’t the same as saying I am totally capable at this point, it made me feel like my work is paying off though, I thinking being open is the 1st step). Then she said "you have some work to do on your heart chakra"... I said "I know, I just started working on it this week"... Then on Friday, ay my Nia class, there was a flyer for a book release on enneagram and I started talking to one of the girls about it. Then the teacher said "why don't you come in back and help me with the towels and we can chat about it more". While we were chatting I brought up the website above and mentioned how I was working on some of the chakras associated with the 3. She says "I can read them if you want", I said ok... she started chanting/mediating and then she said, “you have something I have to smudge on your right shoulder” (I still don't know what it was) but when all was said and done she told me my heart and sacral chakra needed work (and that I still had some dark spots on my root)... I was glad to have this exchange with Dina, I have been going to her class for over a month and have been trying to get a scene of her. After our exchange she said “Thank you for letting me in” and I said “no problem”. In the past I have always wanted people to “Let me in 1st” but I have finally realized that I can’t expect that from anyone. If I want to be let in I have to start with myself, I have to be The Fool and let others respond to my openness instead of we waiting for them to open up so I can respond.

Anyway, I guess that's my update for now... I feel like this post is kind of random and incoherent but that's ok. The point is, I am working on my heart! I bought some nice "Love" incense and some rose quarts to hold while I meditate, and I have been doing little clockwise reiki circles around my heart. I'll let you know if the coming weeks if I experience anything cool because of it!