My 1st self tarot reading

Wow, so today I decided to buy a tarot deck BUT not a normal deck, I chose the Osho Zen Tarot deck. It is different from regular tarot in that is isn't focused on past or future. It is focused on what is happening NOW in the present. The book says:

"Obviously you can ask the tarot what you like, although it is in fact a vehicle for exposing what you know. Any card drawn in response to an issue is a direct reflection of what you are unable or unwilling to recognize at the time"

For me it was pretty profound and slightly emotional and I have a feeling I am going to have a very intense weekend... I'm going to an "Enlightenment Intensive" in the woods... I know, crazy... enough said. Anyway, back to my reading:

These cards roughly correspond to card in a regular tarot deck, but not really. Who knows maybe if I knew more about regular tarot maybe I would be able to draw more conclusions. Anyway, I'm going to share my reading and I'll put in parenthesis the corresponding card but just remember, they aren’t really the same....

OK, I did a Diamond spread, a simple 5 card spread. The cards mean the following
1) The Issue
2) Internal influences you are unable to see
3) External Influence which you are aware of
4) What is needed for resolution?
5) Resolution: Understanding

Before I tell me question I need to give a little background. Back in December there were a series of events tat led to this "awakening" of sorts. The best way to describe it is for about a month and a half I was walking around in this state of pure happiness all the time. I can't really describe it other than to say I loved everyone and everything and I though everything was perfect and beautiful... and I FELT it, I can’t describe but it was amazing and I want it back! It’s not that everything is bad now, and I still want to love everyone and everything, but I just don’t FEEL like I did before. Anyway, here was my question:

Q: How do I get back to the "Happy place" I was a few months ago.

So I shuffle shuffle shuffle, cut cut cut, spread spread spread and randomly pick 5 cards from all different placed in the spread. Here's my answer... stuff I know I know but man, it was laid out so clearly... strange, cool, scary, and amazing all at the same time

1) The Issue = XVI-Thunderbolt (tower): “The card shows a tower being burned, destroyed, and blown apart. A man and a woman are leaping from it not because they want to, but because they have no choice. In the background is a transparent, meditating figure representing the witnessing consciousness......but this inner earthquake is both necessary and tremendously important...if you allow it, you will emerge from the wreckage stronger and more available for new experiences”

Wow - very true... The series of events that led to my last "awakening" was like a thunderbolt. It was hard, very hard. I watch myself as I knew myself desinagrate away. Even though I know I came out a better person I really would rather not do it again... but I know there is more.. Of what you ask? I don't know! All I know is I was talking to a friend last week and I was describing "my mountain" that I’m climbing. Instead of a steady incline mine seems to be full of plateaus and cliffs that I have to claw my way up. I know I am at the bottom of another cliff and the only way for me to get higher on the mountain is to work hard and claw my way up... let myself get hit by another thunderbolt. Shit, that sucks!

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2) Internal Influences = Ice-Olation (3 cups): “In our society, men in particular have been taught not to cry, to put a brave face on things when they get hurt and not show that they are in pain. But women can fall into this trap too, and all of us at one time or another might feel that the only way to survive is to close off our feelings and emotions so we can't be hurt again. If our pain is particularly deep, we might even try to hide it from ourselves. This can make us frozen, rigid, because deep down we know that one small break in the ice will free the hurt to start circulating through us again. The rainbow-colored tears on this person's face hold the key to breaking out of this 'ice-olation'. The tears, and only the tears, have the power to melt the ice. It's okay to cry, and there is no reason to feel ashamed of your tears. Crying helps us to let go of pain, allows us to be gentle with ourselves, and finally helps us to heal.”

Again, wow - This is a thought I have been thinking about lately. I know I have a small problem, hell, maybe it is a big problem. I can't cry around people. I mean I can but I try as hard as I can not to and if I do I 1) completely shut down 2) I change the subject or 3) run, get the hell away before people catch me! I don't know why but I know I need to figure it out. I need to be vulnerable, I just don't know how too! It seems so scary to me! Why? Fuck if I know, are people gonna laugh at me if I cry, no. Are people gonna not be my friend if I cry, no. Are people going to thing I am weak if I cry? Maybe... I don't want that... I will say tho, I cried a little when I got this card... shit, ok, if I feel like I am going to cry this weekend I just will... This is very bad timing because I just happen to be entering he dreaded PMS, I cry expotenatlly more around this time of the month!

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3) External Influences = XI-Breakthrough (Justice): “The predominance of red in this card indicates at a glance that its subject is energy, power and strength. The brilliant glow emanates from the solar plexus, or center of power on the figure, and the posture is one of exuberance and determination. All of us occasionally reach a point when 'enough is enough'. At such times it seems we must do something.......if you are now feeling that....allow yourself to take the risk of shattering the old patterns and limitations that have kept your energy from”

Yes, enough is enough, April sucked and I entered May telling myself that I am ready to move forward. Hence the enlightenment intensive... I also did a reiki session and bought this deck... am I fluffy or what!

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4) What's needed for resolution = III-Creativity ( the empress): “From the alchemy of fire and water below to the divine light entering from above, the figure in this card is literally ""possessed by" the creative force. Really, the experience of creativity is an entrance into the mysterious. Technique, expertise, and knowledge are just tools; the key is to abandon all oneself to the energy that fuels the birth of all things. This energy has no form or structure, yet all forms and structures come out of it. It make no difference what particular form your creativity takes, the important thing is to be open to what is expressed through you. Remember that we don't possess our creations; they do not belong to us. True creativity arises from a union with the divine, with the mystical and unknowable. Then it is both a joy for the creator and a blessing for others.”

Double wow - I was pretty happy when I saw this card even before I know what it meant. Got a few tears as I was reading about it. I recently started taking Nia classes which is Dance with a twist, the mind body connection. I LOVE it so much but I do know I am thinking a little to much. I decided yesterday in fact that I am going to start turning away from the mirror and see what happens. I have my moments in the class when I stop thinking and just move and I get that blissful feeling I’m looking for. Last class I hit that spot and after the song was over I had tears... of joy of course! Yay for Nia... Oh, I LOVE taking picture too, it’s my new thing. It is so relaxing. The lens can capture the beauty in things we miss out in the real world. I took an amazing picture of a pile of dirt the other day! WAIT, if this is what is needed is this also what the 1st 3 cards refer to? Do I need to cry/breakthrough with/through creativity? Does it all have to do with creativity or should I say to I make these steps through creativity only, not through a weekend in the woods? I’m confused. If you know leave a comment…

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5) Resolution, the understanding = V No-Thingness (The Hierophant): “Being "in the gap" can be disorienting and even scary. Nothing to hold on to, no sense of direction, not even a hint of what choices and possibilities might lie ahead. But it was just this state of pure potential that existed before the universe was created. All you can do now is to relax into this no-thingness...fall into this silence between the words...watch this gap between the outgoing and incoming breath. And treasure each empty moment of the experience. Something sacred is about to be born.”

First, this card is just a black square... anyway, yes, I know this. I def feel like I am "in the gap". I also know that all I can do is just BE in the gap. I know I need to breathe more, be more present... I KNOW this is the way to get to the "happy place". In fact, that is exactly why I signed up for the intensive and Nia. I know WHAT to do but I’m not quiet sure, HOW to do it, all the time anyway.

So that's it, another set of crazy coincidences. Things I already know laid out for me on paper for reassurance. Just when I need the reassurance. I think I am gonna like these cards!