sadness

I've been away from my blog for a while. There is a lot to catch up but right now i just need to type how i am feeling. Long story short, since my last post i fell in love and that relationship has just ended. I have completely come to terms with the fact that the relationship is over but right now she needs space so we aren't talking for now. I am realizing that this breaks my heart. The break up hurt but not being able to talk to my best friend is heart breaking. Even before we were dating, when we were just friend, we constantly e-mailed each other, sent each other youtube videos, songs, articles that we thought the other would like. We constantly took pictures of pretty things with our phone and texted them to each other. Now, none of that... and it has only been 2 days! The relationship ended about a week ago but for the 1st couple days we just kept doing what we were doing. Now that we are "taking space" I find myself still taking pictures so i can send them to her when we are in contact again. I am bookmarking pages/articles that i think she will enjoy. Making a list of songs in my head that i want to send her.

Anyway, i am sad... and scared. I can totally live without her as a partner but i'm not sure how to cope without her as a friend. Life is so short... i just keep thinking things like "what if one of us gets hit by a bus today" and i can't stand that we are wasting precious moments. She brings me joy and happiness, whether is is as a friend or a partner doesn't matter to me. I hope she comes around soon.

Dream Big

"If there were a time to dare, to make a difference, to embark on something worth doing, it is now. Not for any grand cause necessarily- but for something that tugs at your heart, something that is your aspiration, something that is your dream. You owe it to yourself to make your days here count. Have fun. Dig deep. Stretch. Dream big. Know though, those things worth doing seldom come easy. There will be good days and there will be bad days. There will be days when you want to turns around, pack it up, and call it quits. Those times tell you that you are pushing yourself and that you are not afraid to learn by trying. Persist. Because with an idea, determination, and the right tools, you can do great things. Let your instincts, your intellect, and your heart guide you. Trust. Believe in the incredible power of the human mind, of doing something that makes a difference, of working hard, of laughing and hopes, of lazy afternoons, of lasting friends, of all the things that will cross your path this year. The start of something new brings the hope of something great. Anything is possible. There is only one you, and you will pass this way only once. Do it right." - Unknown (by my anyway!)

I have more to say but gotta get to work. later i guess!

So i wanted to post something from the last chakra series. For week 3 we had "homework" where we had to create a name thing. Basically a folded piece of paper that we decorate however we want with out name and on the inside we write stuff about ourselves. Then, last week (Wednesday) web brought the tag to the meetup and all the the other people there wrote stuff about us on the outside. It's great because we have been meeting for about 7 months and we are all really starting to bond and get to know each other. Anyway, I wanted to share what people said about me! I def sense a theme...

- sweet, funny, approachable and open
- free spirited, funny, makes others laugh
- you make me laugh
- you are so sweet and open
- you are always smiling! =)
- Creative Girl! You've got such a zest for life!
- Bubbly, smart, aware to all, over flowing with ideas
- I love your crazy vibe!
- You are incredibly giving - You make it possible for me to be here!
- Your energy is infectious
- Fun Exciting interesting lovable Friend!
- You are hilarious and fun to talk to. I love all your surprises

So yeah, sweet huh? I love that all these lovely ladies think I'm funny. Not in a ego way tho. I truly believe laughter is the spice of life and I am honored that i can effect people in this way! Yay me!

can't always show my love!

So I asked my coworker send me some power point slides and he did. I was grateful and started to reply to his e-mail. I wanted to say "Thank you love, have a great day" but i realized it would be completely inappropriate to call my coworker love... guess i gotta save it for my friends...

Zumba Update 2.0

So I was looking over my older posts and I realized I need to update my Zumba status. I am no longer teaching Zumba, at least for the summer. I really liked it but it wasn't allowing me to express myself in the way I wanted to. Teaching again was amazing tho and I plan to be back into it via a different medium soon. Probably by the 1st of the year. I may pick up Zumba again in the fall but with all the stuff I am trying to be involved with (chakra series, reiki practicum, Nia classes, photography, reading the 20 million books I have bought off of Amazon in the past 3 months, choreographing the Music Man for 12th night, AND trying to maintain a social life) I had to cut something out and Zumba is what had to go. I felt (and do still feel) a little bad because me students seem genuinely disappointed and I felt like I was letting them down a bit but I just decided that I had to do what I felt was best for me and ultimately not what my students wanted.

Feelin' Groovy

So my last blog was about how last week was a frustrating week. Surprise, surprise, feeling pretty awesome about everything this week. In fact, I def need to move foward with my "This to shall pass" tattoo I've been contemplating. Every down I have seems to lead to an amazing realization about my life/future/purpose and every realization is inevitably followed by another obstacle that will also inevitably lead to something else great.

I had a great weekend filled with music, photography and friends and I found some clarity when I least expected it! I don't know if I have mention this but I am in the middle of a 7 week chakra series. Last Wednesday we worked on the 3rd chakra (one that for me may be slightly over active) and all week I have been overly aware of people egos. Actually, I saw mine creep in and I didn't like it... old patterns, at least I was aware this time.

It all happened Saturday, I did my volunteering with the elderly in the morning and after I went to get a tripod. My plan was to get on one of the argosy ferries with my head phones on and camera in tow and get some amazing shots of the city on a beautiful summer day. While i was driving home I was listening to music and out of no where I came up with an amazing concept for a dance (Nia) class. It's all about music.

Before I go further I should explain why this is significant. So a few weeks ago I came up with this concept I am calling (for now) "Dancing through the Divine". It is a blend of sitting meditation, music, and dance as a means to help people conceive of their highest creative potential. Basically a means by which students can be "possessed by" the creative force while still being aware. This makes them the witness and the experiencer at the same time. Pretty cool. Anyway, I know this is a great idea but I had spent the last week struggling with doubt and could think of a means to implement it and get people to come. I finally decided that I need to do a slow methodical approach to it and start by teaching Nia instead of just jumping right away into my old thing... It was something I basically knew I was going to do before I even took a Nia class but I wasn't sure how or when it would materialize. Anyway, I realized that I can use Nia as a 1st step to my concept and I spent the day making playlists for my Nia classes which I am not even certified to teach! Crazy. My classes are going to be ALL ABOUT THE MUSIC. I am going to try something a little different. It's starts with each class having a theme (Love, Joy, Creativity, Fear, Sexiness, Death, The Fool (archetype), ect). So obviously the music will center around theme BUT, in this case, the music actually created the theme! I'm not sure what I mean by that other than to say that music has played a HUGE roll in my transformation over the past year. I wouldn't say that I am clairaudient but I definitely hear "messages/validations/answers" in song lyrics. This weekend I realized that this music needs to be integrated into my class. It is somewhat of a bold step I think tho because a lot of it isn't your typical dance music (well, it is for me!). I guess a lot of it falls in the indie rock category. It really is music that moves me tho, mentally and physically. It's prob not going to appeal to everyone, and that's ok, but I think that those are on my wavelength (whatever that means) will def love it... i think... Anyway, the point of this story is that I didn't do on the argosy tour instead I went to the water (fremont canal) with my headphones, a notebook, and my dog and when i walked back I was overcome with a new sense of confidence in where I am headed... in short, i think my 3rd chakra was a little brighter....which for me was prob a bad thing :)

So after that I went my friends for a BBQ and starting drinking some yummy wine and having fun. Having a little dance party in the back yard, ect then at about 8, I headed over with a pretty nice buzz to my other friends for my monthly girls poker night. It was there that I felt my 3rd chakra rear it's ugly head. It wasn't big deal but in hindsight it bothered me a bit. I was just feeling really jolly and lighthearted and I was cracking a few jokes but in hindsight I realized that my "jokes" were not funny, at least to the person I was making them towards. My friend monica's place is always totally neat and this time it was kind of messy when i arrived so I said "Damn, you let you place do to shit"... Obviously I was joking and I had no malintent with this comment but i think it hurt her feeling or something a little... Anyway, I realized that regardless if I was joking it wasn't very nice, ect and I shouldn't be making jokes at the expense of others... It's a small thing but later that night i just kept think about why where is came from because I have been trying to let go of some of my sarcastic tendencies. I decide what it had something to do with my 3rd chakra and that maybe my renewed sense of confidence in myself went a bit to my head and I reverted slightly back into the person I used to be. Basically that i can say whatever I want and if people can't take a joke then it's their problem...

Anyway, this is kind of a random rambling post with too many little stories wrapped up in 1 so I will summarize this post here:

Lynn is feeling great about where things are headed but I need to stay balanced and not let my renewed sense of confidence go to my head and fuel my 3rd chakra in a negative way...

Next up, heart chakra, this one is gonna be a dosie! uggg...

This Week

So I am having kind of a frustrating week. Not a bad week persay, but a frustrating one. I keep getting hit with realization after realization and it is kind of overwhelming!

I just so damn hard on myself! Realistically I have made momentous changes in my life in the past year but it doesn't seem like enough. I have a clear (but general) vision of where I want to go, what i want to do, and the type of person I want to be. The problem is, I want it now! In the past everything been very easy for me. I have accomplished great things with out too much effort on my part. In hindsight, i think it was because the skills I have that made me a success in my life and chosen field are skills that have been cultivated over many years.

Now I am making changes. The new skills/ideas/vision I have (or am acquiring) are not cultivated. That's why I have fear and doubt, not because my vision is stupid or a rip off, but because I haven't allowed myself to grow into it yet. I need to slow down, be the ocean and flow. I have to accept that I am not going to "make my mark" at 30. In terms of numerology, I am in a personal 1 year (and a pinnacle change year). I am planting seeds, they need time to grow.

I need to give myself more time and patience. If I give myself that, I think what seems difficult now will soon feel easy, just like everything else i have done in the past. AND if it doesn't seem to become easier, then I still know I'm on the right path because nothing worth doing should be easy. Being the absolute best me shouldn't be something i can grow into in a year... patience grasshopper. Your time will come. To think it won't goes against everything you know in your heart....